Mom of 2?

Lately I’ve been thinking really hard about how it will be to have another baby. Whenever I think about it there are several different emotions that rush through me. And even though I have decided that the positive emotions outweigh the negative, it’s still something worth mentioning.

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The feeling that comes forward the strongest is excitement. Thinking about bringing another baby into our family makes me just want to do it all right away. My son would have a baby brother or sister and my husband and I really want to experience this again. But there is also another part of me that feels guilt. I feel guilty that Earth is the only option for a place to live for my kids. Sounds weird, yes. But it’s getting worse and worse everyday and even though being born in 2017 sounds kinda cool because of how far we’ve come in certain areas, some people have stepped so far back in others. I won’t mention specifics because it’s heartbreaking, but ya’ll know. I know that fear is what they want us to feel and express and I try very hard not to let it scare me, but how can it not?

Another thing I can’t help but feel guilty about is knowing that when another baby “moves in” my son will have to get less attention and I’ll have to focus on both of them at the same time. Of course I don’t speak from experience here but it sounds very hard to give my all to two kids. Am I being a bit harsh with myself right now? Maybe. I don’t know.

Even though I have a tendency to get very negative in my frame of mind I try my best to see the positive in different situations. Yes my son will get less attention, but doesn’t that also help him from not getting spoiled? I mean, I have two siblings. One older sister by two years and a younger brother also by two years. We grew up together, in the same age range and we had so many good experiences being siblings. Our house was always full of either laughter or arguments but that’s what made my childhood great. If I didn’t have the siblings I have, who knows who I’d be today. Being a sister is something I take seriously and I love my siblings more then they probably realize and I want that experience for my kids. And in my mind giving my son the role of ‘big brother’ over shadows the negative thoughts I have about it. They aren’t really negative thoughts, more like concerns.

As you can read I’m very much here, there and everywhere. And that’s how I am with a lot of topics. I have strong opinions on a lot of stuff but I get confused at how I feel about some stuf. Haha. Anyway. I guess my conclusion is that yes, I would love love love to have more kids in the future and I hope we do. If we are so lucky. But I’ll be extra careful not to let my concerns take up too much time in my brain. I’ll also work on giving myself more credit and be more confident in my abilities. Being mom and wife is the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I love everyday of it.

Breastfeeding on a sidewalk.

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It’s too hot outside to function these days. I’m not made for 31 C. Since there is no beach near where I currently live I can’t go outside on days like this. There is just no point. There isn’t a single cloud in the sky and the sun is just burning everything in it’s path. If I’m going to be outside in weather like this I have to be either on a boat or on the beach so I have the sea to cool me down. I feel bad for the little guy too, he doesn’t like the heat either. Last night he slept in just his diaper with a very, very thin blanket over his body and I think that worked. We also had a fan on the floor making the room a bit cooler. Hopefully it will go down a bit soon.

My mom has been in town with us for the long weekend and we’ve had a lot of fun. Even though it’s been as hot as it has we’ve gone shopping, driven to a few different towns, been sight seeing and souvenir shopping. I collect those souvenirs magnets, haha. Even though I live here I’m still a tourist when we see new cities. Speaking of that, I can’t wait to be a tourist in my own country soon. We leave for Norway in 3 and a half weeks and I’m so excited. There I can go to the beach and swim and my baby will finally meet the rest of my family.

If you are near where I am I wish you well through this heatwave. Stay hydrated 🙂

Psychics and Mediums.

For the last few days I’ve been binge watching a bunch of videos of psychic mediums do “readings” on people. Sometimes they even do it in a room FILLED with people. 1000 people or more. Now before I started watching these videos I didn’t really have an opinion if this stuff is real or not but after going through all of these well known mediums I’m pretty convinced that this is all very good guessing and general questioning. I mean – come on. If I really went for it I’m pretty confident that I could do this job too. And yes, it is their job. These celeb mediums, Hollywood Medium (the fakest one in my opinion), the Long Island Medium and Lisa Williams make a loooot of money doing this.

In my opinion, when we die, there is nothing else that happens. I mean, we’re dead. Our brain is dead, our hearts stops. I just don’t see how there is something else that can happen. IMO, everything that makes a person, even their soul, it all dies at the same time. So how somebody can linger around a place, completely invisible yet they want to talk to some random person they just “met” and not their loved ones who loved them in their previous (real) life? I’ll never believe in psychics but I find it so interesting anyway. The fact that these people genuinely believe they have this “gift” and that they hear the voices of dead people is crazy. And I don’t believe that all of these people are big scams in the sense that they just do it for the money. I mean, why would they do it so out in the open and plaster their face on TV doing it? I don’t doubt that they themselves believe they hear these voices/see the faces etc. But Tyler Henry is an exception in my eyes.

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The Hollywood Medium. He is a young guy who has his own TV show. I haven’t watched the show I’ve only seen clips from it and seen interviews with the guy. But to me it is so incredibly obvious that he has Google’d himself to a lot of the things he mentions to the celebrities he “reads”. (They say that he doesn’t know where he’s going before coming to the peoples houses but I don’t believe that.) And I mean, EVERYTHING about celebs and their families is written online somewhere, it isn’t that hard to find. He even says during some of the readings “oh I don’t even know what you do for a living”. Yeah right dude. It’s all perfectly set up. There is a crew there, cameras, lights. I believe he knows who he’s meeting a long time in advance.

I’ve seen journalists put other mediums to the test and most of them never want to do a reading on the spot. They always say they need to prepare first. What is this preparation they need? I think it’s for research. I also find it suspicious when they ask the people they read to give them an object from the person they want them to “channel”. It makes the job ten times easier. Anyway..

I’m not going anywhere specific with this. I understand that most people visit a medium for comfort and to get some closure. But it’s just very shady the way they go about it sometimes. I’m going to make a new category on this blog called “Rants” because it feels nice to quickly type down a rant, about any topic really. Rant over. Have a great day 🙂

4 Months Old.

Tomorrow my baby turns four months and I can’t believe how quickly time has flown by. After putting him to bed last night my husband and I looked through the photos from the first days of his life and it’s incredible how small he looked then even though he was a fairly big baby (4,2 KG) compared to now. He hasn’t been weighed in a while but at his last weigh he was 8 KG. And he’s 70 cm long.

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Everyone who sees him for the first time now are very surprised when we tell them he’s the age he is, he he. Apparently he looks at least 6 months to other people. He’s going to be a big guy which is very normal in my family. I’m over 180 cm tall and my parents and siblings are also around that height or taller. Even though being very tall isn’t common on my husbands side he is taller than me so it all makes sense. I’m very curious to see how tall he’s going to be as an adult.

He has once again changed his routine. He now eats once a night and for the rest he soothes himself back to sleep. But he has started napping more during the day too. Short but frequent naps.

He smiles and laughs all the time and barely cries or fusses. When he does cry out loud it’s almost a little terrifying because it’s very rare. I think we’ve been very lucky with what some people call an “easy baby”. Even though having a baby isn’t easy at all it can make it a little bit easier having less crying. But I know I’ve been lucky and I don’t take it for granted. He also blows bubbles with his mouth. He drools and he is constantly eating at his hands which is a sign of teething and I have to be honest I’m very nervous about this.. You know how I just said he is an easy baby? Haha, that’s probably gonna change when his teeth starts coming in. I’m nervous but I’ll handle it.

Learn as you go.

SIGH. So I went back to Google for 30 minutes today to read a little bit about the change my boy is going through now that he’s 15 weeks old, 3,5 months on the dot. (Oh how time flew.) He wakes up three times a night now at almost the same times to either eat/snack or just talk (he doesn’t cry or scream) and be soothed back to sleep. I read that it isn’t smart to feed him every time he wakes up at night because he’ll get used to that and it will be harder to get him to sleep through the night later on. But I’m not sure what I believe is best for me, I mean.. I don’t mind him snacking a bit each time he wakes up, it’s usually over in 10-15 minutes anyway and we both go back to sleep. And I just can’t think too far ahead or else I’ll lose my mind slightly. I don’t know. It’s not like I can spoil a baby. If I follow his lead, his patterns will change again as the months go on. The first year of a babys life should be full of changes.

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Reading too much about how other mothers do things was not a good thing for me in the beginning. I’m not saying it isn’t a good thing in general, I think it’s great but for me I got too easily confused and influenced by what I read. Should I try this? Is this okay? Should I not do this or that etc. I think being a mom is hugely a “learn as you go” thing and advice and tips is great but taking it too far could create a problem, it could also make someones self esteem on how they’re doing as a parent dwindle. This isn’t the case for me since I stopped reading about every little thing at around 2 months when I started feeling like I knew what I was doing. But if I had continued doing so I’m not sure how things would’ve been today.

Anyway. I hope everyone enjoys the week so far. Where I am we have been having the best weather and summer is coming quickly. As we speak my baby is napping and when he wakes up I’m going to put his shorts, sun hat and sunscreen on and head out into the 23 C heat and go meet my husband in town for an ice cream 🙂

I felt like such a bad mom.

Something I knew before having my baby was that I’d have a very tough time seeing him in pain, any sort of pain. That’s of course normal but little did I know that it would be as bad as it was. I almost cry when he cries, even if he’s just crying because he’s tired. (Yeah I know, just wait till he starts walking and falling over..) But it really breaks my heart to see him upset. Hopefully this is something that will get easier with time but for now it’s very difficult and I’m almost 4 months in.

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So when we went to have his two month shots I was crying the whole time. And I noticed that I was the only mom at the doctors office crying but I couldn’t stop it for the life of me. And it turned out that it was so much worse for me then for my son. He screamed a bit then and there but he had no reactions, fever or discomfort at all in the days after the shots. So I should’ve been fine to go to the 3 month shots seeing how well he handled the last ones. But since it was such a traumatizing experience for me I thought long and hard about it and decided to send my husband to have it done alone. And that sounds terrible when I write it down and I felt so so so guilty at the time. To be clear, my husband didn’t mind going alone and he handles these things totally fine. Don’t ask me how, maybe it’s because he’s a guy. (I know guys can handle it badly too but you know what I mean.) Anyway.. I just couldn’t help but feel very guilty about not going to that appointment and it was a selfish reason why I didn’t go. But he was once again totally fine with no reactions or discomfort and it is just a quick thing that has to be done with or without me. But what if something would have gone wrong. What if he needed me.

I don’t know what I’m trying to get at here. I just felt like writing down my guilt. I told him I was sorry. He he.

I feel so happy.

In November my husband and I have been married for 3 years. It’s gone by so quickly. And a lot has changed in that short amount of time. When we moved in together we lived in a very small place where our bed was in the living room, that says it all. Last summer we moved into a one bedroom apartment which certainly is an improvement but it’s not enough and we knew we could do better, we could make our dream come true and move out into the countryside to our own house. For me it’s not just the location that matters most, it’s the peace of having our own house. Where we live now there is constant noise apart from a few hours at night, people in and out all the time, people walking hard on the floor in the apartment above us and sometimes I almost go insane from all the noise, it also makes my anxiety skyrocket from time to time. (I had a breakdown a few weeks before I gave birth because I knew I’d have to take my newborn back home to a place where I’m not comfortable.) I haven’t really decorated here at all as you can see in the photo of our bedroom. I just don’t like it here.

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Luckily we live in a country where the prices are nice for renting houses and the further away from a city you are the cheaper it becomes. So we started looking. We got a tip from a colleague of my husbands about a house not far from his job (where we live now he drives 40 minutes to and from work everyday which is another reason we need to move) and as I wrote in my previous post – we got that house. I can’t stop thinking about it. We can’t move in until September but still, there is so much to plan. I’m so excited to start planning how I’d like to decorate every room. How my sons room can look or if I should wait with decorating it until he’s older and can maybe choose things for himself. Since my husband doesn’t care about these things I can have fun with it on my own ❤ I see trips to IKEA in our future. I’m not ashamed, I like IKEA – haha.

Anyway. I just felt like writing this happy post because it comes from my heart. I have never in my life felt a happiness like this. I have everything I could ask for right now and in my future and things are only looking better and better everyday.