Mom Guilt.

One year ago today was my official due date and I’m feeling very emotional about it. On one hand I miss that last stage of the pregnancy. Feeling that level of expectations, being nervous and knowing what’s about to happen.. It was the best thing I’ve ever experienced. And even though it’s only been one year ago I crave that feeling again so badly. To be completely honest I craved it again after the first 6 months. I struggle with feeling guilty about having baby fever. I mean, my baby isn’t even 1 yet. He is still a baby technically. And I love everything about being a stay at home mom. I would never want him to feel like he wasn’t enough. Do you know what I mean? That’s what I struggle with the most. What if we have another one and he feels left out. I don’t know guys.. HELP!

As it often goes, I start writing these posts about my mom life not really knowing where I’m going with it. I just need to vent to mothers about this. And none of my friends have kids. I just need to hear from someone else that I’m not being completely selfish by really wanting to have another baby. I just picture my boy having a sibling and it’s just an adorable image in my mind. They say that having two is like having 20 but I don’t know. I just really want my kids to be close in age. My siblings and I are very close, my sister is two years older than me and my brother one year younger than me. A bit on the crazy side obviously. My parents did not recommend it, HAHA.. But my husband and his siblings are almost 20 years apart. He is not close with his siblings because they are basically the age of my parents. (His dad was 48 when my husband was born. I’ve always found it very fascinating, lol.) And it would be lovely for him to see a family grow up together like me and my siblings did. I just really love that idea. But on the other side I feel totally guilty about having to share the attention and everything else. I never want to disappoint my first baby. He’s everything.

I know for sure that we want more kids. We are talking about it happening in the near future. I hope my guilt will subside. Having a baby is a miracle and after being a mom for a year I feel like I’ve found the meaning of my life.


Learn as you go.

SIGH. So I went back to Google for 30 minutes today to read a little bit about the change my boy is going through now that he’s 15 weeks old, 3,5 months on the dot. (Oh how time flew.) He wakes up three times a night now at almost the same times to either eat/snack or just talk (he doesn’t cry or scream) and be soothed back to sleep. I read that it isn’t smart to feed him every time he wakes up at night because he’ll get used to that and it will be harder to get him to sleep through the night later on. But I’m not sure what I believe is best for me, I mean.. I don’t mind him snacking a bit each time he wakes up, it’s usually over in 10-15 minutes anyway and we both go back to sleep. And I just can’t think too far ahead or else I’ll lose my mind slightly. I don’t know. It’s not like I can spoil a baby. If I follow his lead, his patterns will change again as the months go on. The first year of a babys life should be full of changes.

Reading too much about how other mothers do things was not a good thing for me in the beginning. I’m not saying it isn’t a good thing in general, I think it’s great but for me I got too easily confused and influenced by what I read. Should I try this? Is this okay? Should I not do this or that etc. I think being a mom is hugely a “learn as you go” thing and advice and tips is great but taking it too far could create a problem, it could also make someones self esteem on how they’re doing as a parent dwindle. This isn’t the case for me since I stopped reading about every little thing at around 2 months when I started feeling like I knew what I was doing. But if I had continued doing so I’m not sure how things would’ve been today.

Anyway. I hope everyone enjoys the week so far. Where I am we have been having the best weather and summer is coming quickly. As we speak my baby is napping and when he wakes up I’m going to put his shorts, sun hat and sunscreen on and head out into the 23 C heat and go meet my husband in town for an ice cream 🙂

I felt like such a bad mom.

Something I knew before having my baby was that I’d have a very tough time seeing him in pain, any sort of pain. That’s of course normal but little did I know that it would be as bad as it was. I almost cry when he cries, even if he’s just crying because he’s tired. (Yeah I know, just wait till he starts walking and falling over..) But it really breaks my heart to see him upset. Hopefully this is something that will get easier with time but for now it’s very difficult and I’m almost 4 months in.

So when we went to have his two month shots I was crying the whole time. And I noticed that I was the only mom at the doctors office crying but I couldn’t stop it for the life of me. And it turned out that it was so much worse for me then for my son. He screamed a bit then and there but he had no reactions, fever or discomfort at all in the days after the shots. So I should’ve been fine to go to the 3 month shots seeing how well he handled the last ones. But since it was such a traumatizing experience for me I thought long and hard about it and decided to send my husband to have it done alone. And that sounds terrible when I write it down and I felt so so so guilty at the time. To be clear, my husband didn’t mind going alone and he handles these things totally fine. Don’t ask me how, maybe it’s because he’s a guy. (I know guys can handle it badly too but you know what I mean.) Anyway.. I just couldn’t help but feel very guilty about not going to that appointment and it was a selfish reason why I didn’t go. But he was once again totally fine with no reactions or discomfort and it is just a quick thing that has to be done with or without me. But what if something would have gone wrong. What if he needed me.

I don’t know what I’m trying to get at here. I just felt like writing down my guilt. I told him I was sorry. He he.

I feel so happy.

In November my husband and I have been married for 3 years. It’s gone by so quickly. And a lot has changed in that short amount of time. When we moved in together we lived in a very small place where our bed was in the living room, that says it all. Last summer we moved into a one bedroom apartment which certainly is an improvement but it’s not enough and we knew we could do better, we could make our dream come true and move out into the countryside to our own house. For me it’s not just the location that matters most, it’s the peace of having our own house. Where we live now there is constant noise apart from a few hours at night, people in and out all the time, people walking hard on the floor in the apartment above us and sometimes I almost go insane from all the noise, it also makes my anxiety skyrocket from time to time. (I had a breakdown a few weeks before I gave birth because I knew I’d have to take my newborn back home to a place where I’m not comfortable.) I haven’t really decorated here at all as you can see in the photo of our bedroom. I just don’t like it here.

Luckily we live in a country where the prices are nice for renting houses and the further away from a city you are the cheaper it becomes. So we started looking. We got a tip from a colleague of my husbands about a house not far from his job (where we live now he drives 40 minutes to and from work everyday which is another reason we need to move) and as I wrote in my previous post – we got that house. I can’t stop thinking about it. We can’t move in until September but still, there is so much to plan. I’m so excited to start planning how I’d like to decorate every room. How my sons room can look or if I should wait with decorating it until he’s older and can maybe choose things for himself. Since my husband doesn’t care about these things I can have fun with it on my own ❤ I see trips to IKEA in our future. I’m not ashamed, I like IKEA – haha.

Anyway. I just felt like writing this happy post because it comes from my heart. I have never in my life felt a happiness like this. I have everything I could ask for right now and in my future and things are only looking better and better everyday.

Time flies.

Before you know it he’s going to be crawling” they say and I think they’re right. My son is now 2,5 months old and for now all I’m doing is soaking up the baby stage. I’m of course excited for his future and seeing who he is, what his personality is like, how his looks will change but it’s still a little sad to see how fast it’s going. He has started sleeping a lot less in the daytime which is strange, or is it normal at around 2 months? And when he does nap it’s usually over within 20 minutes. He has one good nap a day which last longer but other then that he’s awake a lot of the time. He sleeps almost a full night now only waking for food once. He is very curious about things and he talks, smiles and laughs a lot. The other day he actually uttered something that sounded like a word. Not a word that exists but it sounded like a real word and I actually went “what did you say?”

Anyway. I hopeeveryone out there is enjoying spring coming in. Here in Belgium we’ve had sunny days for a week now with temperatures rising up to 18 C. That’s exciting for sure 🙂

Photos are from our trip to the sea last weekend. We had such a great time and it’s something I’ll highly recommend everyone. Take a weekend trip somewhere if you can, it refreshes the mind. I’m already looking forward to our next trip ❤

Turning 25.

I turn 25 tomorrow and I really like that number. It feels like a great age to be at and I’m taking my husband out for a well deserved sushi date where I’ll perhaps treat myself to something with alcohol in it. Since giving birth I’ve only had one beer and alcohol hasn’t even been on my mind for a better part of a year, but for my birthday a glass of white wine should be in order.

I feel so proud of how well I feel I’ve been doing for the past seven weeks. I’ve handled everything a lot better than I ever thought I could and I’m so excited for the future with my little family. It also feels good to be able to brag about myself a bit without feeling silly. We should all do that sometimes, pat ourselves on the back and be proud of the work we’re doing. My seven week old boy has started smiling a lot lately and seeing that gives a feeling I didn’t think existed. My whole body feels like it’s melting away when it occurs. I love this new life and I’ll never take it for granted.

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Five Weeks Postpartum.

Since my creativity is non existent these days because all I think about is keeping my babys belly full and my house in order and I can’t seem to write a longer post, I found some random questions about the postpartum time (edit: I think they were questions to see if I have PPD or not) that I’ll answer instead. I do hope my passion for writing will return because during my pregnancy I had so much fun with this blog but now, since I don’t have the pregnancy updates to do I am quite lost on what to write. Also there is the issue of barely any time at all. I barely open my laptop anymore.


Are you sleeping okay when your baby sleeps? – Napping during the day is something I’ve never done. Of course here and there but I really dislike the feeling after a nap so no, I don’t nap. But I do sleep okay during the night in the hours I get between his feedings. I feel good when we wake up for the day in the morning. I do take a nap if it’s been a crap night sleep wise, but that has only happened a few times so far. Maybe three.

Any changes in your appetite? – Yes. After I gave birth I barely ate anything for about a week. My appetite went from being extreme during the last month of pregnancy to being completely gone after birth. Now I’d say it’s back to normal, as it was before I was pregnant. I’ve lost a lot of weight.

Are you experiencing anxiety or panic? – Well, anxiety is a part of my daily life anyway. It has been for many, many years. But I’d say it hasn’t gotten any worse with the arrival of my baby. I’m more alert though.

Are you afraid to be alone with your baby? – No. I always knew I’d be alone a lot with the baby since my husband works full time so that was never a problem. I enjoy time alone with him, and when daddy comes home at night it’s always a special time ❤

Do you feel more irritable or angry than usual? – Not really. I’m more easily frustrated and sad perhaps. I get sad when he cries a lot or is in pain with gas. But I don’t get angry.

If you are breastfeeding, how important is that to you? – It was always important to me that the breastfeeding would go over well and I know that I’d be very sad and disappointed if it hadn’t. I’ve been breastfeeding since day one and it’s going great. I’m very lucky and I know that.